Unfortunately after several years of researching for other people's weddings I was painfully aware of how much choice there is out there. My own tendency towards the strange and unusual was suddenly in conflict with the niggling idea that perhaps on this one special day I may be overcome with the desire to look like an overly layered cup cake. The chances were slim, but stranger things have happened.
So despite the fact that we haven't even set a time frame for the wedding, let alone a date or budget, I've been giving my dress more then a little thought. Should I drop the stress and make my mother happy all in one go and just buy off the rack? Should I buckle to my old goth roots, do what is expected of me by so many and get married in some black vampy number layered with lace and victoriana beading? Perhaps I should find another version of me somewhere to create and make this once in a life time dress for me while I simply lie back and enjoy the ride? Or maybe this is just too big to be allowed out of my control (not to mention it would be a hell of a lot cheaper to just make the thing myself).
All of this to consider and it isn't even lunch time yet.
Setting aside where the dress is to come from, I realised that I needed to start narrowing my options. So with a slight sense of trepidation I started trawling wedding dress shops. I've never had much cause to try on any sort of full length dress or ballgown before, so while I could make an educated guess at what shape or style would suit me I knew the only way to make any sort of decision was to try some on and find out.
This is when thing go wrong, this is when I realised that everything about this glamorous world of bridal gowns is about dictating to the bride what she should do, being as patronising and pretentious as possible, expecting someone to buy a dress without trying it and hiding it all behind a soft sofa and a complimentary glass of wine.
It started with women on the phone telling me whether I should be looking at dresses yet. To begin with I said I wasn't sure when I was going to get married; it was at least a year away and we hadn't set the date. But this seemed outrageous to the sales assistants at the boutiques I was calling. Nobody believed that I didn't know the date, so eventually I just started saying it was the summer of 2013. But that just raised a new problem. On the one hand, one sales assistant was telling me I'm just in time for a summer '13 wedding, while another simply laughed and said it was too early to be trying on. I have to admit this got on my nerves, not just because I feel it's not their business if I need 6 months or 6 years to decided on that dress, but because of their inability to accept my answers to their questions.
Apparently being unsure about what you want in a wedding dress is blasphemy and the bride is therefore clearly lying or an idiot. They made me feel ridiculous for saying i was just trying to get an idea of what I might want.
"But your vision, my darling, your vision!" exclaimed Pearls. "You're not buying a dress, you're buying a vision!" To her a single dress was clearly a way of life. I was half way between irritated and amused.
This was the second shop I had been into. I was there with a friend to try on, and as soon as we entered Pearls swept up to us and cried "I'm looking for my bride. Which of you is my Rosie?" I tentatively identified myself, and she screamed with joy. "Aha! You are Rosie! All this is so exciting!"
She hardly stopped talking. Certainly not long enough for me to get a word in edgewise. It was a twenty minute tirade about my "vision" in which any answers I did manage to give to her questions where deemed unacceptable, and despite being my vision I clearly wasn’t allowed to comment on it. Meanwhile my friend loyally sat by and tried not to laugh, especially when Pearls accused her of being too sullen. "Smile my girl! Why aren't you smiling!?" she cried.
To her credit she walked me through their collection well, although I really hope she is on first name terms with the designer, otherwise the way she was talking about her makes Pearls sound like she's verging on stalker territory. As she described the designer being a master of understated chic as she presented me with ruffles, lace and bling.
That's all window dressing though.
My biggest problem, my all time grievance is with the sample collection itself. Despite the fact that I'm a size 16 Pearls was constantly trying to squeeze me into her sample size 10 or 12. She wasn't alone in this; everybody does it. Not that it isn't fun to feel like I'm getting shrink wrapped in satin, but it fails to promote that positive dress experience. So when it proved completely pointless to try the dresses on, I was left, stood in my underwear, with the sales assistant holding the dress against me. She would either hold the dress up in front of me or, a special treat, try to wrap it around me and hold it in place at the back. Though, Pearls did not disappointing through out this process, asking me what i though of each vision, heaven forbid she admit they are just dresses.
Now forgive me if I've been going about this very wrong all these years, but when I go to buy myself a dress, I'll try it on knowing full well that what looks good on a hanger can look awful on me. I've also found that what looks drab or shapeless on a hanger can sometimes look good on me. Besides, I'm curious to know how I was supposed to get an idea what it would be like having a train on a full length dress, or layers and layers of skirts, if I can't even get the dress on.
Aside from being deeply undignified, especially when calling in my friend to ask her opinion on a dress, the entire experience at the boutiques was pretty uncomfortable, which was a shame because there were a couple of dresses I really liked.
Given the state I was left in, I was grateful for the wine.
Nearly all the sample collections I came across contained only smaller sizes. While I see the logic (a size ten is cheaper to make than a size eighteen), this is a fundamental problem for wedding boutiques across the board.
For some corseted and A-line style dresses the smaller sizes can be ok, as a larger figure can usually get into them to see what they are like. However, for anything fitted or fish tailed, a smaller size for a larger figure is completely pointless. Sure, I could guess that the fitted shape would take advantage of my hour glass figure, but maybe it would just make me look like I have freakishly large hips. I guess I'll never know.
I felt cheated. Because I wasn't a small girl I wasn't allowed to have the experience of finding the perfect dress for me. I wasn't going to step out of some overly gilded dressing room in a gorgeous white gown so my friend could oooh and aaahh and I could feel like a bride. Out of the six dresses Pearls presented to me, I only got into one.
This wasn't always the case, in one boutique they had a sample collection of basic shapes in all sizes so I could get a feel for what it was like to wear their dresses. This meant that the appointment was a total joy from start to finish. The service was pretty good too.
My final gripe is with the general rule in all shops that doesn't allow photography. Again I can see the logic behind this, (though if someone was trying to outright copy a design, aside from being more expensive, they could just get an image off the web site) but the fact is I just wanted an aid to memory, to remind myself what I liked and be able to compare dresses from different places. Still, whatever their reasons, photo's aren't allowed. That's one thing, but the be served the total tripe as a explanation that I was given at one shop was an insult to my intelligence.
"My dear," she began, "If you need a photo to remember that dress, then it isn't your dress. You should remember every detail, you should dream about it."
No one in their right might would believe that at no point, during the whole complicated process of choosing a wedding dress, would the bride be torn between two dresses. Unaided, my memory may not do a dress justice, and after the inevitable trek around shops and trying on dozens of dresses there was no way I could manage to keep a crystal clear memory of one single dress....no matter how perfect it might be.
All in all from a day's excursion, only one shop delivered on the promised experience of choosing a wedding dress. I find myself dreading the next time I'll have to venture out in my search.
I don't know, maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion. If you've had a good experience somewhere while out shopping for a wedding dress, then let me know :)
